I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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