Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
