you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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