david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
