I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
