oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
