I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
