Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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