I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I didn't notice because vodka
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
