my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize