Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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