I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
