My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
