3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
