he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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