I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
