I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
