Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
