i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
