If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize