I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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