I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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