we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
