I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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