I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
