Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize