tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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