You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
