Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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