And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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