I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
