so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
