my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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