I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
