some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
