Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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