so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
