Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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