Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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