how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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