Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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