ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
