I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
