I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
