If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize