sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
