It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
