Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
