dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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