Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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