totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's not a walk of shame if you run
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
