I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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