My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
