All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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