But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
