Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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