Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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