Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
