miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
