She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He kissed a someone with a penis
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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