she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Less talking, more tequila
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
