I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I intend to get homeless drunk
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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